I still remember two years ago when we were just two or three months into our infertility journey when I went and bought my first pregnancy test. I was in line at Target with Levi in tow and a few pregnancy tests. The lady in front of me saw me with the 15 month old and the pregnancy tests on the belt. She smiled and said, “I remember those days. One or two little ones in tow with pregnancy tests wondering if I was about to add to the madness. I remember being all excited about the prospect of having another baby. I have 4 now and they’re in middle and high school, but I do remember those days of diapers and little ones.” She smiled fondly as she looked at Levi strapped to me and said “good luck!” giving me a double thumbs up. I told her “thank you”, purchased my items, and immediately went to the bathroom. I was a day or two late and pretty convinced I would be pregnant. That day was the first single pink line I got, but it wasn’t the last.
Since then, I have gotten countless single pink lines. I eventually stopped buying pregnancy tests at Target and the grocery store and went to the Dollar Tree and bought a handful of $1 pregnancy tests that don’t expire until 2018. Anytime I didn’t start on the day I was supposed to or was a day or two late, I was taking a pregnancy test; but then those single pink lines started to make me miserable each month I looked at them. Taunting me that I STILL wasn’t pregnant. Just willing the test to add a faint pink line. If I prayed hard enough it would magically switch from one line to two. Trying to convince myself that it just needed another minute to add the pink line. Telling myself that it was just too early and my HCG level’s weren’t high enough to detect yet.
So I stopped taking pregnancy tests and tracking my period. It was very freeing. I had a general idea of what day it was supposed to come, but I stopped dwelling on “next Thursday” and stressing whether or not I would be pregnant. I can’t remember the last time I took one… until this week. We tried another round of clomid this month to see if it would help me get pregnant. I was pretty sure it hadn’t worked based on my emotions and other signs I’ve gotten so used to the week leading up to starting. BUT when my period didn’t come, I got a little excited and started to wonder whether or not it had worked. I woke up early at 6:00am and had to pee. I knew the my HCG levels would be the highest at the morning pee, so even though I had planned to go back to sleep for another hour, I got up to take a pregnancy test. I had to search in a few locations around the house, because it had been so long since I taken one. I eventually found it and with my heart pounding, I took the test and waited all the while thinking about whether I would wake Josh up to tell him or if I could quickly put together some awesome package to announce it to him when he woke up, play announcement scenarios to our close friends and family out in my head, having Levi announce it to y’all with a sign saying “all I want for Christmas is a little brother or sister” … well three long minutes later, I found yet another single pink line. I didn’t cry this time. I am a little surprised I didn’t based on the emotional month I had, but maybe it was just the clomid throwing me off. I went back to bed and slept another hour.
Y’all, I’m gonna get real and honest with y’all. I am sooooo tired of seeing these single pink lines. When will it be my turn to see two of them? My heart literally aches to have another baby in my arms that is mine. To nurse another child. To see the milestones I have so loved watching Levi accomplish. To see Levi love on a younger sibling. I am truly and trusting God and HIS timing in all of this, but some months are just plain hard. I had really hoped that this round of clomid would work. We aren’t going to try it again. It threw me off so much that I hated being on it. Right now, we are praying and talking about our next steps on what we want to do. (Or maybe I’m pregnant now and my HCG level’s just aren’t high enough… see. I still have that thought in the back of my head!)
A friend of mine posted on her Facebook yesterday a very well put blog post about infertility. It is something I have spoken on throughout our journey, she just worded it differently since she’s on the other side of her infertility journey. It was a good reminder for me that God has a plan and a purpose and a specific child for our family. For hers it meant two biological daughters and a foster-to-adopt son. I long for the day when God says our infertility journey is over, but until then, I ask that He continue to use me as I walk this journey. I hope and pray that my real and raw posts have helped some women out there dealing with the same thing. Thank you all once again for the prayers.