Patiently Waiting | Two Years Later

19

Dec

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I'm a Mommy!, Uncategorized

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Two years ago when we started this journey to have our second child, I would have NEVER guessed we would be here two years later and still with no baby, much less not even pregnant. After getting pregnant with Levi after one month of trying, I naturally thought we would be quick to have another one. I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant first month again, but I did in my mind expect to get pregnant in the first few months of trying. When that didn’t happen, I wasn’t too worried. I still thought we would be pregnant by the end of the year.

I emailed my doctor at 6 months just to touch base, but she told me not to worry and that it’s normal to take up to a year to get pregnant. I started getting antsy around the 8th month of trying (this is when I started blogging about trying for another baby). I still thought we would be pregnant by the end of the year.

I finally went to see her at a year of trying. We spent the first part of the year doing tests for Josh and me to see if there was any reason we weren’t getting pregnant… nothing came up as a reason we couldn’t get pregnant. I still thought we would be pregnant by the end of the second year.

We took a few months off of talking about it and stressing over it. It was getting to be too much. I still knew when I was ovulating, but we stopped talking about it between us and actively tracking. We didn’t get pregnant during those months; but I still thought we would be pregnant by the end of the second year.

And then I got to a point where I no longer thought we would get pregnant by the end of the second year. I still wonder if we will be pregnant by the end of the third or fourth year. At this point, I would really wonder if it is ever going to happen again except for the fact that I had an amazing God moment at the Pursuit Conference that gave me the promise of having another baby. I trust and believe in that.

I don’t want you to hear these words and think I’ve given up hope. I just finally got to a point of turning it completely over to God. I stopped crying each month when my period would come. I stopped worrying about it. There’s so much freedom in that. I still deeply desire another baby. I still pray and cry out to the Lord for this void in my heart to be filled, but I’ve gotten to a point of realizing my timeline is obviously very different than the Lord’s. And I am to a point where I am okay with that. I’m trusting in His plan for us and His timing in all of it.

I am enjoying my one-on-one time with Levi. I am taking advantage of having an older, more independent kid by volunteering. I am able to do a lot with my business because he’s at a good age to work from home and get things done.

A month ago, I said I have been praying to be thankful for this journey and the heartache that has come with it; and I’m there. I am thankful for this journey. I am thankful for this walk I am taking. I am thankful for the lives I’ve been able to impact because of my journey. I am thankful for the people God has put in my life to pray for. I am thankful that He is using me on this journey. If my story and faith in Him during this time brings one person to know Him as Lord and Savior, then I would walk this journey 100 times over again and again.

I still have my hard moments of seeing pregnant women at the park with their toddlers younger than Levi, seeing Facebook posts of pregnant friends making second baby announcements, being asked to hold a newborn baby at a party while I watch their sibling play with Levi; but that’s to be expected. I have given myself grace to be sad every now and then about it, but I will not allow it to consume me. I will not cry about it constantly or push my friends away with second kids because my desire to have another one is there. This is the path I am walking right now and I will walk it knowing that the Lord has a specific purpose for it all.

We had originally talked about going to see a fertility specialist after two years of trying, but we are here and neither of us really feel right now like that’s what we are supposed to do; so I’m not sure what our next steps are. We might try some other routes like me doing acupuncture or we might go in a completely different direction and just stop talking about it and thinking about it and just see what happens. I’m not sure- still praying about what’s right for us from here.

Thank you all for your prayers and kind words during these past two years. It’s been a long road and it isn’t over yet, but I’m excited to see how God continues to grow me and use me.

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