Patiently Waiting | Hope

It’s December 1st. That means we have been trying a year for baby #2…. well almost. We decided last December that we wanted to add to our family. So here we are twelve months later still waiting on a brother or sister for Levi. This also means that I am officially dealing with second infertility.

Second infertility is characterized as:

• A couple who have already given birth without the use of medical support or fertility medications finds themselves unable to get pregnant or experiences recurrent miscarriages and
• They have been trying for one year if the woman is less than 35 or
• They have been trying for 6 months if the woman is older than 35

I discovered Sunday at church that I wasn’t pregnant this month. I had almost convinced myself that it was going to happen this month. Any random thing that happens with my body the week or days leading up to when I would find out, I have found myself convincing myself that little things here and there are very early signs I’m pregnant. I try not to do it, but after trying for almost a year, and you want this baby so much, you hope and hope and hope that any random thing is a sign that you’re gonna have a baby.

Josh was unable to attend church with me yesterday, so there I sat in the sanctuary trying with all of my heart to not just break down and cry. I even considered just leaving to go home. I could cry in the car or at home and wallow in my sadness of having to wait yet another month to most likely find out I’m still not pregnant. But the Holy Spirit held me in my seat.

With the Christmas season starting, our pastor, Allen, talked about hope yesterday. He had a lot of great things to say about hope, but the one thing that stuck with me the most was the simplest reminder; something that I know and have even said similarly here on my blog before, but this was such a much needed reminder! It was like this portion of the message was meant specifically for me.

“Sometimes things in life don’t make sense. But in Christ, we can have hope that there is a bigger picture.”

Thank you for that promise, Lord! I wouldn’t be able to make it through these months of waiting and longing without this promise. And even if He chooses to bless us only with Levi, this promise still rings true. It’s still hard on certain days, but I am thankful for this reminder. I needed it most Sunday. It never ceases to amaze me that the Lord provides the right words for me just when I need to hear it.

I’ll be going to see my doctor soon to see if there is anything she can give us more insight about why I could get pregnant with Levi the first month we tried, yet here we are 12 months later still trying for baby #2. I may be a little more quiet and private about this portion of our journey, but don’t worry. I won’t leave you in the dark. I know many of my readers are invested and praying for us, so I will continue to update on where we are on our journey.

For more information on second infertility, I found another good article here. It really explains a lot of the emotions that I am going through. I kept reading and nodding my head to most of what was said. If you’ve never known someone going through second infertility, I encourage you to read this article or the one at the beginning of my post. It really helps understand why second infertility is so hard for couples. It’s this weird limbo phase because we already have a child (and one we didn’t have difficulty having).

This part of the article really resonated with me the most: Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

Like I said in my last post, I don’t know the pain of primary infertility and the desire to have a child and not have one at all. I have had close friends and family who have known this pain or are still going through it. One of the things (in addition to the Lord) that has gotten me through this time of waiting is the fact that I do already have my Levi. He brings me more joy than I ever could have imagined. On my sad days, I pull him tight and just hug him or play and wrestle with him just so that I can hear that beautiful laugh of his. This time of waiting has made me more appreciative of him; but it doesn’t diminish my desire for another child.

Thank you for those of you have walked with us on this journey and are faithful to pray and support us. You words and prayers mean more to me than you know!

Just for fun and since we’re getting into the Christmas season, I’ll share a cute picture of my awesome Littleman! (Who doesn’t look so little in this picture! My two year old looks like he’s four!)