In Pursuit of Something More

I sat there in the WinShape Retreat chapel/auditorium with my heart pounding in my chest and in my head. My hands got all clammy. Tears began to stream down my face. I sucked in an out in an attempt to even my breathing. I closed my eyes to listen to the speaker. It was as if her words were written only for me and being spoken only to me. The Holy Spirit was speaking to me and making it very clear that I had to talk to someone. I dreaded the idea of confrontation, but this urging on my heart was a clear as day and very evident it came from the Lord. I had to do something about it…

I have sat down to start this blog post many times, but can’t find the words to really get everything on my heart and in my mind down on paper (or internet…). I’ll try this time!

So two weeks ago, I attended the Pursuit Conference up in Rome, GA at the WinShape Retreat Center. This conference was one that I had longed to attend for years, but never had the opportunity to do so because I either worked full-time as a school teacher or had Levi. This year, I was blessed to have my in-laws watch him for the week for me so that I could attend. But even with the babysitting coverage, I still almost didn’t get to go. Last fall when they opened up registration, it sold out in 6 hours, and I was without a spot. I was devastated that I couldn’t go. When some spots opened up in August, so I was thrilled and jumped on one of the spots within 30 minutes of registration opening up!

Yay! Welcome to Pursuit Conference!

For months, I was excited about going and couldn’t wait! I have seen in the past the amazingness that is the Pursuit Conference and couldn’t wait for what was in store. Little did I know what God was going to teach me.

First and foremost, God orchestrated the perfect small group for me to be a part of while at the conference. As the leader of the Atlanta group, I was assigned to be a leader of one of the small groups. The Pursuit staff tried very hard to put us into groups in which we were similar age and similar life stages. Most of us in our group were in our late 20’s to early 30’s, married, and had at least one young child. The other amazing and God-ordained thing was that almost all of us in there had dealt with some sort of infertility issues, miscarriages, or infant loss. There is no way that the Pursuit staff could have known this, and yet we were all put together- God knew. And God knew that some of us needed this group for prayer and healing. We all opened up with each other the first meeting about our hurts and trials with motherhood and the journey to motherhood. Only God could have made that happen. Only in the body of Christ would a group of women be willing to share their deepest hurts and intimate details of infertility, miscarriages, and infant loss. It gave me perspective on my journey to become a mother of a second child and just gave me the reassurance that He is in control of my life. I am so thankful for that. Otherwise, I don’t think I could walk this journey of wanting another baby.

I sat one morning watching the sunrise, listening to the Lord.

We breakout sessions that focused more on our businesses and had main sessions in which the speakers spoke from their heart about the Lord and other things. God used these speakers in incredible ways to touch my heart. I took tons of notes throughout the week and have gone back through a lot of them already. I just wish I could sit down for days and soak up these truths spoken to me; but alas, I had to transition back into the real world. This was probably the hardest part of the conference; being on this high from the Lord and coming back to reality that pulls me every which way in the roles of Mama, wife, youth group leader, photographer, house keeper, and so much more.

If I shared every single thing that the Lord taught me and is still working on in my heart, I would be here forever and have the world’s longest post, so I’ll try and just share the highlights. There were some quotes from some of the speakers that immediately spoke to my heart and still resonate with me, so I’ll share these. They are such good reminders for my life that I am even going to print them out and frame them in the house.

“Gaze at God and glance at life.” -Carlos Whittaker
Take that in for a second. My focus should be on Jesus at all times and everything else is secondary. I should constantly be gazing at God and glancing at life. I just love everything about the simplicity of this quote and yet the reality of what it means.

“We cannot truly love like Jesus and resent people with the same heart.” -Katelyn James.
Wow… THANK YOU Katelyn. I needed to hear this. These words pieced my heart and spoke to me more than anything else all week. Katelyn talked about five traps we fall under that pull us away from the Lord; and one of her points was our failure to forgive when we have been hurt. She said “if we truly believe in God’s forgiveness in our lives, it will change the way we relate to others.” I sat and listened to these words and felt the Holy Spirit urging me to reconcile with a long-lost friend. And it’s no coincidence that she was in fact at the conference. After Katelyn finished talking, I went to this person and hugged her and immediately broke down in tears. Y’all, it was those ugly tears that people look at you and wonder if she’s okay type tears. My heart was so broken and I wanted nothing more than to reconcile this long-lost friendship. We went outside and poured our hearts out to each other and talked like we hadn’t in years; and in those moments, my heart was healed. Truly healed. This friend and I had talked a couple of years ago and had forgiven each other then, but I didn’t realize how hurt I still was. I would run into her every now and then and would feel sick to my stomach because I didn’t want to see her. But I can say that those feelings of apprehension are completely gone. We hung out at the conference later on and even have plans to get together in two weeks to hang out. Only GOD can orchestrate these moments. So thank you Katelyn for your words and for your faithfulness in following the Holy Spirit’s word He laid on your heart. If this reconciliation was the only thing I got from the conference, then it was worth it all; but this isn’t the only thing that God taught me!

“When He says yes, He is good. When He says no, He is still good.” -Mary Marantz
Whew. What an important reminder. Mary talked about five lies we need to stop listening to and this one was “what if it never happens?” I heard these words from my pastor, Mack Hannah, for the last couple of years as he fought cancer. He went to be with the Lord in August, but in the course of his cancer journey, he said this many times. Mary’s words were a reminder that I needed to hear in this stage of my life in waiting to become a mother again. If the Lord gives us another child in the future, He is good. If He chooses not to, then He is STILL good. He just has a plan that is bigger than mine. I am so thankful for this promise and that it comes from the Word of God in Daniel.

I truly feel like I could go on forever about my heart and what God has taught me; and in fact, I might do a part II later on and share even more of what’s been going on in my life since the conference. Thanks so much for following along with me and reading through the post!

Thanks to Katey Penton for the fun headshots we took during free time and to Katherine Bignon for letting me borrow the awesome black tulle skirt!